you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
