i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
