Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
