I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I want you more than these girls want KFC
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
