Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Randomize
