you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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