apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
sarcasm needs its own font
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
