Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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