I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
