i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
