so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
