Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
