I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
