I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
