just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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