Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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