used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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