I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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