i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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