did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
