Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
