I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
