distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
it's great music for shaving your balls
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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