Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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