Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
