and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
