my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
is wine microwaveable?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
