you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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