i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
meet me or not, i'm out of control
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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