Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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