masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
