We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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