She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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