my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
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