Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
