Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
