There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize