Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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