i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
