yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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