you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
