My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
