gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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