Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
