The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
