you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
