I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Even the bartender felt bad for me
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize