my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
