I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
