Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
