barbara walters just said penis...
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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