Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
no you cant smoke seaweed
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
