Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
