Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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