i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
not ubering you a puppy
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
