I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Randomize