Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
