I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
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