It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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