If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
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