its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
