my phone needs a breathalizer
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
