i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
