i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Randomize