What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
