well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize