So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
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