If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
True strength comes from lack of pants
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
