how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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