1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
